The way we connect is mostly virtual we are there, but we’re not there. Our roles have changed and our relationships are different. We not only lost a sense of normalcy, but we also don’t know what normal will look like in the future. We still don’t know how long this will last. What we once knew is still out there but, for the most part, it is out of our reach. This prolonged uncertainty is not just marked by the feeling of uncertainty about the pandemic but also the uncertainty about how long we will have to endure this uncertainty.

If we add a pandemic and lockdowns this becomes more than a “hard time.” Right now we are in a state of “prolonged uncertainty”, as Esther Perel calls it.

Most people have a hard time being in a situation that is not in their control (including myself). This brings me to how ambiguous loss impacts us today. As long as you had a connection to the person, place, or thing you can experience a sense of loss. Boss says it best when she says, “ambiguous loss leads to frozen grief.” One thing to note about ambiguous loss is that it can be experienced with a person, place, or thing. In the case of ambiguous loss, the uncertainty of the loss hinders our ability to cope and grieve, leading us to feel stuck. The biggest difference between ambiguous loss and losing someone to death is that when we lose someone to death we have the opportunity to process grief. In both cases, the ambiguous loss is painful because of the lack of clarity. On the other hand, someone can be physically absent and psychologically present (i.e., in our mind and hearts) such as when we experience break-ups, separations, or a missing person’s case. In her book, Loss, Trauma, and Resilience: Therapeutic Work with Ambiguous Loss, she divides ambiguous loss into two types: someone can be physically present but psychologically absent (e.g, dementia, depression, obsession with electronic devices, etc). The term ambiguous loss was coined by Dr. Ambiguous loss of a loved one can sound something like this: “it’s like they’re there, but they’re not there.” Ambiguous loss includes physical and psychological presence or absence. Ambiguous loss is a loss that is unclear because there is uncertainty about the presence and absence of the person, place, or thing being lost.

Ambiguous Loss by Pauline G. Boss